the death of my baby


Being a mother is a wonderful gift for a woman. It is not excessive if a woman is willing to exchange all her blood and even her life to become a mother. I am a very lucky woman because in my life God gave me the opportunity to become a mother. With the presence of three children, my life seemed perfect.

Some time ago, God was kind enough to give me back a child. Beginning with signs of pregnancy, that day I will positively have more children. Honestly, I feel more panic than happiness. How come? My son who was aged one to three years. He can’t even walk. He is also still very dependent on milk. I was confused at that moment.  thought flashed through my mind. I thought about not continuing this pregnancy.With my husband, I visited a gynecologist in my city. Slowly I convey my concern about this pregnancy. The doctor just smiled while asking me to check the ultrasound. Slowly he moves ultrasound tool above my stomach. And that’s when my heart trembled violently when I heard my baby’s heartbeat. The doctor looked at me and said, is this the heartbeat that you want to stop? I mourn my evil intentions. God, I accept your gift with happiness.
Day after day I live during my pregnancy. I felt no complaints at all. My body is so healthy and ready to accept his presence. My other children are also very happy to look forward to the presence of their new sister. Even though my third child didn’t understand anything, he seemed to be happy. I enjoyed all the days with prospective baby. The heartbeat was soft when I lay my body down.
on that day. At that time my birth was exactly 6 months old. I felt a little tired because I was busy preparing a new school for my eldest child. My chest was a little tight, and the more worried I was, I had not felt the movement of the baby in my stomach for three days. I can’t feel the soft kick like usual. Finally, fearing that morning I visit a gynecologist. With my husband, I underwent several health tests. When the doctor does an ultrasound on my birth, I can hear his heartbeat again. Well … the sound is beautiful. But the doctor’s face is very different. He seemed to be very worried. I was then required to find a blood donor because my Hemoglobin was very low. Without being asked twice, I immediately entered the hospital to do a blood transfusion. Two days I lay in the hospital with needles stabbing my hand many times. I live everything patiently. For the sake of my heart.
On the third day, I asked the doctor to go home because I was feeling well. Apart from remembering my children at home, I was also not comfortable in the hospital. The doctor detained me to go home for another health test. With much hope, I obeyed his orders. That afternoon I asked my husband to clean my clothes to take home. Slowly nurse took me into the room to check. Again I underwent Ultra sonography. Slowly the doctor moved the cold device over my stomach. Then, staring into my eyes deep, the doctor said that my baby’s heart was getting weaker. Almost certainly my baby won’t be able to help. He is still too small to be born now. Doctors also detect abnormalities in my baby’s kidneys. It cannot produce amniotic fluid itself, so the amniotic fluid that protects it is increasingly depleted. I was very worried about my doctor’s explanation. I cried in my husband’s arms. The doctor asked me to wait until my baby’s heart really stopped, then I had to give birth. Half the soul is lost leaving a huge black hole.
Time runs very slowly. While continuing to pray for miracles to God, I returned to hospital treatment. Until the fourth day, the doctor confirmed that my baby’s heartbeat had stopped completely. I’m numb. I could no longer feel anything other than a huge loss. The crumbling of my body while undergoing an induction period is no longer felt. The world seemed to collapse for me. Six hours I had a very painful time in my life to get my baby out through an induction path. All the bones in my body seemed to be forced off. And finally, at 3 o’clock in the morning, I talked to the baby in my stomach. I said I was willing to be abandoned by him. Someday I would be reunited with him. I am sure of it. Then I felt something out of the way I was due. The tiny head of my baby came out, and my hand supported it. At that time the nurse and doctor were a little away from my bed. I took my baby while crying softly. And finally, my little baby is in my arms. He is so tiny. His face was very similar to his older brothers. Oh God, he smiled at me. Slowly I kissed his face and handed my baby to the doctor.

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